Well
Well, last night...
I won't call it a milestone, because I don't know if it's progress or what.
It's definitely something that needed to be done.
I need to work out where to stand now.
I'm clear that at all costs, I gotta stick to the plan.
And the day that I don't? Well god help me.
I know that all of last night was pretty deliberate.
But despite ceci, je ne sais pas exatcly what attitude I'm gonna adopt.
Still, I've got the whole holidays to work it out.
I suspect, that if I adopt a new attitude, it will be more mental, less a change in behavior.
Altho I guess I'm gonna have to give in to a more reasonable day to day modus operandi.
I've been pretty uncompromising, altho, all my measures have been quite deliberate and necessary.
But now that it's done and I can trust myself a bit more, the day to day stuff can just pass,
it doesn't worry me like it did.
All this has me asking myself, where is there more comfort, in the idea that we are all machines, and we do stuff because it's just the way we do things cos its the way ew are? Or in the idea of God and heaven and that whatever happens doesn't matter cos we're only here a little while. The machine thing is pretty heartless, and unfeeling, but as far as Im' concerned, therein lies it's charm. It's a whole lot more relaxing. Sure there's no heaven, but nothing ain't too bad either.
I've worked out, that I'm not afraid of there being nothing in the end.
I just don't want to have to be around to see it.
Which I guess incidentally reflects my attitude towards the other stuff.
I'll leave you to reflect on that.
Hmm, came to my attention that it's true, there isnt anyone I can talk to now.
I thought about it, but I think I just don't care. Dunno.
Don't feel like I need to.
No one can tell me anything I really need to hear or coudln't work out.
Indifference I think is an unexplored (as far as Im concerned at least) means of release.
And I am digging release.
Of course, doesn't do itself.
So i'll admit, there was a whole load of acting necessary to execute it.
But I'm a stoic believer that If u act in a certain mannerlong enough, it becomes less and less of an act and just integrates to who you are. Well, not all of the time obviously, If not I wouldnt have had the whole mess to begin with.
But it's working now.
I wonder if there's a name for this whole machine thing, I know I've heard the "man is a machine" thing loads of times before. It's just suiting me more and more.
I won't call it a milestone, because I don't know if it's progress or what.
It's definitely something that needed to be done.
I need to work out where to stand now.
I'm clear that at all costs, I gotta stick to the plan.
And the day that I don't? Well god help me.
I know that all of last night was pretty deliberate.
But despite ceci, je ne sais pas exatcly what attitude I'm gonna adopt.
Still, I've got the whole holidays to work it out.
I suspect, that if I adopt a new attitude, it will be more mental, less a change in behavior.
Altho I guess I'm gonna have to give in to a more reasonable day to day modus operandi.
I've been pretty uncompromising, altho, all my measures have been quite deliberate and necessary.
But now that it's done and I can trust myself a bit more, the day to day stuff can just pass,
it doesn't worry me like it did.
All this has me asking myself, where is there more comfort, in the idea that we are all machines, and we do stuff because it's just the way we do things cos its the way ew are? Or in the idea of God and heaven and that whatever happens doesn't matter cos we're only here a little while. The machine thing is pretty heartless, and unfeeling, but as far as Im' concerned, therein lies it's charm. It's a whole lot more relaxing. Sure there's no heaven, but nothing ain't too bad either.
I've worked out, that I'm not afraid of there being nothing in the end.
I just don't want to have to be around to see it.
Which I guess incidentally reflects my attitude towards the other stuff.
I'll leave you to reflect on that.
Hmm, came to my attention that it's true, there isnt anyone I can talk to now.
I thought about it, but I think I just don't care. Dunno.
Don't feel like I need to.
No one can tell me anything I really need to hear or coudln't work out.
Indifference I think is an unexplored (as far as Im concerned at least) means of release.
And I am digging release.
Of course, doesn't do itself.
So i'll admit, there was a whole load of acting necessary to execute it.
But I'm a stoic believer that If u act in a certain mannerlong enough, it becomes less and less of an act and just integrates to who you are. Well, not all of the time obviously, If not I wouldnt have had the whole mess to begin with.
But it's working now.
I wonder if there's a name for this whole machine thing, I know I've heard the "man is a machine" thing loads of times before. It's just suiting me more and more.
posted by Morton at 11:15 PM
5 Comments:
It might be more comfortable to think of yourself as a machine but a machine doesn't have the self awareness to ponder whether it is a machine ...
this is about the time where lengthy angstful introspection delivers, catapulting you into mismatched fame.
so cheer up me laddie :D
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