Morton

Well

2004-10-23T23:15:00.000Z

Well, last night...
I won't call it a milestone, because I don't know if it's progress or what.
It's definitely something that needed to be done.
I need to work out where to stand now.
I'm clear that at all costs, I gotta stick to the plan.
And the day that I don't? Well god help me.

I know that all of last night was pretty deliberate.
But despite ceci, je ne sais pas exatcly what attitude I'm gonna adopt.
Still, I've got the whole holidays to work it out.
I suspect, that if I adopt a new attitude, it will be more mental, less a change in behavior.
Altho I guess I'm gonna have to give in to a more reasonable day to day modus operandi.
I've been pretty uncompromising, altho, all my measures have been quite deliberate and necessary.
But now that it's done and I can trust myself a bit more, the day to day stuff can just pass,
it doesn't worry me like it did.

All this has me asking myself, where is there more comfort, in the idea that we are all machines, and we do stuff because it's just the way we do things cos its the way ew are? Or in the idea of God and heaven and that whatever happens doesn't matter cos we're only here a little while. The machine thing is pretty heartless, and unfeeling, but as far as Im' concerned, therein lies it's charm. It's a whole lot more relaxing. Sure there's no heaven, but nothing ain't too bad either.
I've worked out, that I'm not afraid of there being nothing in the end.
I just don't want to have to be around to see it.
Which I guess incidentally reflects my attitude towards the other stuff.
I'll leave you to reflect on that.

Hmm, came to my attention that it's true, there isnt anyone I can talk to now.
I thought about it, but I think I just don't care. Dunno.
Don't feel like I need to.
No one can tell me anything I really need to hear or coudln't work out.

Indifference I think is an unexplored (as far as Im concerned at least) means of release.
And I am digging release.
Of course, doesn't do itself.
So i'll admit, there was a whole load of acting necessary to execute it.
But I'm a stoic believer that If u act in a certain mannerlong enough, it becomes less and less of an act and just integrates to who you are. Well, not all of the time obviously, If not I wouldnt have had the whole mess to begin with.
But it's working now.

I wonder if there's a name for this whole machine thing, I know I've heard the "man is a machine" thing loads of times before. It's just suiting me more and more.

"Blue skies bring tears"

2004-10-21T20:22:00.000Z

Instead of posting, I'm gonna recommend you look up "blue skies bring tears" by the smashing pumpkins. A few notable lines in there from one point of view or another, a few less notable.
Nuthin offensive at any rate.

Christ, I am so god damned happy to be into the holidays... (almost).
Just one more day and Im home free for a week and a half of lazy, decadent and carefree contentment.
It's not been a long start to the year, but these wont go unappreciated.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...

2004-10-19T17:36:00.000Z

Not really much to add on last time's comment,
was just outside waiting after my music lesson watching the rainy comings and goings of Valbonne and decided I'd post.
I have to say, I'm quite pleased with myself.
I'm idly rolling along, happily not reacting to all the stuff I'd normally react to. And I'm not talking about the old obvious stuff, I mean the little aftermathy bits.
Still, no change in philosophy, I may be an selfish arsehole,
but at least I'm a sensible self-righteous arsehole with a greater sens of self-preservation.

it's untouchable

2004-10-16T08:16:00.000Z

I was right,
I'm so fucking right.
The world is a sad and predictable place.
FTFH
FTFH
FTFH...

Thursday doesnt even start,

2004-10-14T18:50:00.000Z

Urgh, neeeeaaaaarrrrllly there.
I think I've just about finished my mental blitz that consists of me editing out or twisting strategic memories to close this chapter.
Just got to polish off these pesky echoes. They're losing their sway anyhow.
Soon, soon...
Feel kind of like i did the last time i posted.
I don't think of it like I did before tho.
Im not building up, I'm just not eating breakfeast. Silly as it is.
Makes u tired apparently.
Solution of the day: Eat

"I don't care if monday's black"

2004-10-11T15:30:00.000Z

Had a weird experience today, was sitting in class, thinking about things in general, and my mind went to a party happening this weekend. You know when you've got something good coming up and you get that giddy little surge, a little thrill, well, I had one of those. When it feels, for an instant like the world is big, bright, and yours to enjoy, essentially a moment of ridiculous blinding optimism. But at the same time, I was aware that this picture wouldn't reconcile with the state of affairs. Then it just got to feeling like a big and sad place.

Still, confused giddiness aside, I'm still counting days and I've no right to complain, nor is there any point, because as I am still sure, I'm doing the least depressing, realistic thing I can think of.
Now, let me think, aren't I due some holidays pretty soon?

Hmm, this all feels like it's building up to something (still).
I don't like the sound of that.
Still, it's in my hands so for me to see that it doesn't.

"In between days"

2004-10-09T04:39:00.000Z

I was reading an interesting article in a book the other day about the psychology behind irreversible situations. The process starts with an individual noticing a bad situation.
Having seen it, and if it takes enough importance, they succumb to a sort of paranoia where they see the situation deteriorating around them more or less as a result of their own view of it and modified behaviour in reaction to it and knowledge of it's existence. And thus, the subject worsens the situation considerably. Eventually, they arrive at the point where they can either more or less ignore the way things are, and try and get accustomed to this. That is to say, not necessarily get over the problem, but develop an immunity to it. Or the subject can follow the situation all the way to it's end, and this is a situation so extreme that it becomes irreversible. And this, I was surprised and happy to read leads to opportunity for development and other profitable experiences.
You wouldn't believe how glad I was to hear this sort of thing come from a credible source instead of my idle ruminating. Quite a relief, makes up for all the hearing that's it's just an absurd and logicless act.
Just going along with that now, really. Despite the whole irreversibility factor, I tend to lose my nerve a bit towards the end of the week, but nothing a good weekend of correction won't sort out.
Someone told me that they didn't think I was happy after what I've decided to do. Although I can't completely deny that, I have to say, I am a lot better off having done it. Altho I wouldn't say that I'm unhappy, I am on the other hand, host to a more bored, lethargic feeling where the days just follow an without much inbetween.
But it's getting better from here.

For god's sake

2004-10-05T21:02:00.000Z

Fuken 'ell, a little site u put together for reasons of your own gets out and then the world is jumping down your throat as if you sent them all the link to rub their faces in it.

I'll say it here, that was an exageration spawned from a bad day, and not to deny it, it is still erroneous. It's not as if I was trying to sum the last load of months up in it or anything, that's just what it sounded like in my head that day and i wanted to put it somewhere else so i wrote it down and put it on my little project that was meant for none of the concerned people's eyes. Obviously. Sure it was unwise to put it on the net, now with the hindsight, but telling the concerned folk about it is just stupid.

But again, regardless of it's accuracy, it's proved ultimately useful as far as I'm concerned.

================================

update, 18 october, 04

Wud be worth noting that I've toned it down on here a bit now. obviously.